Confession
It seemed odd. I woke up in a
wrong side of bed today. The pillow beside me smelled of men’s cologne, the
wallpaper was as boring as hell, and the bed was pretty damn comfy.
``Good morning, babe.’’
I looked through a window where
a fucking hottie was standing –my
boyfriend Neiro Cristobal.
``Why the hell I am here?’’
I groaned as I sat up and began
to fall asleep again.
`` Your mom called telling me
to pick you up from a party last night because you are drunk as fuck!’’
``I guess, right now, one of us
is thinking about sex. Wait… Two of us!’’
``Shut it! You have a dirty
mind love. ‘’
``Yes. I have a dirty mind. And
you are on it.’’
Much to my surprise I felt his
soft lips pressing back and soon our shy peck had turned into something more.
One hand had been placed flat against his muscled chest while the other cupped
the back of his head to hold his lips to mine.
His hands had come to rest on
my hips and mine moved from their positions to slip under his loose-fitting tee
to slid over his sculpted abs and flawless chest. But touching wasn't enough to
satisfy me. My busy hands peeled his shirt from his body and tossed it in a
small heap on the floor and placed my hands firmly against his chest forcing
him backwards onto the bed behind us.
As he lay on his back staring
up at me, I removed my shirt to reveal my upper body which was slightly less
muscled but just as smooth and free of hair. Before my fingers went to work on
his belt, the clasp was easily undone and the strap quickly pulled through so
that I had access to the button and zipper of the dark denim jeans.
My fingers went to work on
removing his denim prison as my lips pressed gentle teasing kisses against his
abs. My tongue casually flicking across his smooth skin. My breathing picked up
in pace and I knew that I was close to ecstasy. I told him so in a heated
voice, my sentence broken by moans.
"I...ah, I'm going to...
mmm, I need to go."
I never felt anything like that
in my whole life. But being there for a moment, brought me a lot of confusion.
We stopped. I have had the best kiss in my life. And it needs to stop right
there. Rules. Boundaries. Limitations. Society.
I rise up from the bed and
freed myself from the cuffs of his arms. Deep down, I know I failed him. He
rise up and hug me from the back uttered the words
``I just wanna hold you tight
in my arms and whisper in your ears words as old as time. Words only you will
hear because you are mine. I love you. ´´
From then I know what he felt
for me is real. I am done tempting his mind while making his body wait. I am
guilty. I should have done better. I should have let him sneak right through
me. Then I felt that incredible feeling when I realized just how deeply inlove
I was to him. I do not know what is it in him to make me want him so badly.
I turned around. I gave him a
smile. I could not help but to tell him these words
``I promise to be on your side.
Or under you. Or on top. I don’t care how complicated this gets. I’d still want
you. If you’re my salvation -I want to earn it. If love is all I have to give
-then let me give it. ´´
He then kissed my forehead. A
tear fall down from my eye. I love him. How can I unlove him. It is so hard to
stop your heart from loving. As hard as it is to stop the eye from blinking.
The more you control it, the more it hurts.
He wiped my tears and give me a
warm hug. Not asking how troubled I am inside.
``By the way babe, today is
Sunday. Do you want us to go to the church today?´´
``Okay. We have enough to be
thankful for this week I guess.´´
We both went to the shower and
calm ourselves. After fixing ourselves, we went to the church.
We ride on his black BMW on our
way to the church. We go in discreet. What is between us must stay between us
in order not to provoke the society.
The mass has been offered. We
stopped on a cozy fast food and have some bagels. It was afternoon when we
finished bonding after church in the establishment. He then gave me a ride to
sent me off my place. On our way to San Roque, we had a lot of talking and
laughter together. We are so fucking attached during that time.
Our talking came to pause for a
moment when he turned on the radio.
♪ When
the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light
we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I
won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand,
stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by
me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me
If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should
crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry, no I
won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand,
stand by me
``Hey!
Is this your favorite song?´´ I asked.
``Not
until today love. ´´ He replied.
``You
see, I really want to be with you till the end of my days. I wanna grow old
with you, spend my sunrise and sunset only with you, I would die for you.´´
He
flattered me with those words.
``I
am willing to spend the rest of my life with you too, love. I could not ask for
more having you beside me. I cannot wait for the day when we could finally get
married.´´
A
curved smile draws from his happy face.
``Oh,
common! We both know that’s not gonna happen, right? We both know Philippines
is a catholic country. We cannot do it here, babe.´´
With
perseverance, he fought for it. He argued we could marry here in the
Philippines. I, for a moment, felt happiness beyond measure knowing he’d fight
for our marriage -our future marriage. He then handed me an envelope. It has my
name written on it, ``Juno´´. It is sealed with wax so I have to tear that off.
I began reading what is inside. It is a poem in tagalog. Part of me is in
ecstasy as I read between the lines of what he had wrote.
Sa
lilim ng buwan
Tayo'y
maghabulan
Iyong bawat haplos
Dala'y init ng pag-ibig
Humahalina
na yayain ka
Sa
sayaw ng erotikong musika
Pawiin
mo ang lumbay
Sa
aliw ng bawat kumpas
At
pilantik ng iyong mga daliri
hayaan
mong sakupin
Ang
templo ng iyong kaluluwa
Nitong
digmaang sinimulan
Ng
liwanag ng buwan
Piliting
ihinto
Ang
nakakabaliw na bulong
Na
ang sumamo ay bilisan pa
Ang
taas-baba
Ng
bawat indak sa sayawang apoy
Damhin
ang init
Ng
bawat patak ng luha
Na
animo'y singdami ng mga tala
Pumapawi
sa bawat nais na
rurok
ng kalangitan ay maabtan
H'wag
kagalitan ang pagod
At
sa mga bisig hayaang dumampa
Balewala
ang kirot ng paso sa apoy na nag-aalab na pag-ibig
Masayang
hihimlay kumot ang
mga
bituin
na ang bawat hiling ay wag lisanin ng gabing madilim.
I
gasped when I felt how wet his words have made me. I urged him to pull over the
car under the Mahogany tree and so he did. I leaned over to him and kissed his
lips hard, thrusting my tongue into his mouth. He gently sucked on it and
let me swirl it around. I accepted his tongue and sucked it as far as I could
into my mouth, savoring the taste of him and wanting more.
I started to undo the buttons
on his shirt as we kissed and soon I was sucking on his nipples, making him
groan in pleasure. I moved down to his body and undid his pants, making him
lift his hips off the seat so I could pull them right off of him.
He moved so he was in a
position that I could fuck his mouth. He swirled his tongue around it as I gently,
at first, thrust in and out of him. I was groaning loudly as he did it. I
reached around him and held his head, helping him thrust.
The day came to pass. I arrived
at my place a little after at around 2:27 in the afternoon that day. He escort
me through the door and wrapped his arms around me, kissing me hard. We kissed
for a few minutes and then he broke our embrace. He waved goodbye and went his
way back home.
The next day, I woke up as
early as 6:00 o’clock in the morning. I smell the scent of a distant flower in
the garden overlooking my room from the outside. They were as yellow as the
sun. I am living alone in my Chalet bungalow house soon as I decided to part
from home for work. From morning to evening, my life becomes a numbered
routine. As soon as I wake up, I need to prepare myself a coffee.
As I am preparing my Kopi
Luwak, I received a phone call from my mother at home.
``Hi, love! We miss you so
much! When will you be home for a dinner? Your Pa caught a wild deer early this
morning in our rice field using his bow and arrow. ``
``Really, mom? For goodness
sake, you’ll be commissioned by the law with that! Don´t you know hunting wild
animals now is prohibited?``
``Oh, common son! You´re not
gonna send us to jail because of that aren’t you?’’
``Of course, not ma! But
seriously, you guys need to stop doing hunting with dad’s crooked bow and
arrow. It’s dangerous! You might have shoot yourself out there, you guys!’’
``Duh! We’re good at it son!
Have you forgotten how me and your father met? Isn’t it by that same target we
chased at the San Roque forest that we end up aiming arrows at each other? It
is still a good meat though, by the way.’’
‘’Alright, alright! Enough
bragging ma! By for now. I need to set up myself for my duty today. I love you
all. Kisses!’’
They really missed me a lot. I
could only hope I could visit them by the end of the month. My parents were
really supportive as to my career. I have decided to become police, and my
parents are always there as my scaffold all throughout.
I have never been into thinking
of marrying at my young age. I don’t really put boundaries of letting myself
indulge in a relationship. In fact, I have Neiro to visit me at my place every
weekend, or the other way around. He is an artist. During my 20th
birthday he gave me a portrait of my own.
I eat on a silver plate for breakfast. Nobody
really cares. I took a sip of my coffee more expensive than my salary. It is a
gift from Neiro in his exhibit in Vietnam. It was exactly at 7:00am and I go
haste to work. I snatched the key of my motorcycle from the emptied fishbowl
and went to work.
``Good day, Juno! How was your
sleep?´´
``Fine, Sarge! I have never
been sleeping as good as last night! Weekend was a metaphor of party!´´.
``Well, you should be. Because this new
assignment that I am going to give you needs a lot of energy.´´
My day started so well but not
for long.
``I want you to investigate the
Death case of Neiro Cristobal.´´
``Neiro? Neiro Cristobal? Did I
hear it right, sir?´´
``Yes! Why? Do you know him?´´
``Just an acquaintance, sir.´´
`` Well, get your things
officer and go now to the crime scene -Purok-2 San Vicente. Along the highway
to San Roque, you will pass a big mahogany tree. Underneath the tree, lies the
cold dead body of the victim sitting inside his car. General Administration for
Criminal Security at San Roque Police said an hour ago that the cause of death
is due to a gunshot on the head. Probably the victim was shot inside his car.
No force entry is detected. The victim is said to be dead since yesterday at
around 4o´clock in the afternoon. I want you to focus on the finger prints inside
his car. I want to know who is been with him since yesterday. I trust you to
uncover this case because you are one of the best we got.´´
``Yes…… s…ss.. sir.!´´ with the
stuttering word, I cannot understand what I feel. My chest was in pain as if my
heart was carved out. I could not tell my Sergeant about us. He mustn’t know.
I did my best to stay in
composure. As I drove my motorcycle on the way to the crime scene, I could not
help but cry and shout in pain. It’s the things that least expected hits you
the hardest. I have reached the speed limit of 200km. per hr. hoping to arrive
as soon as possible.
because in the end,
when you lose
somebody,
every candle,
every prayer,
is not gonna make
up for the fact that
the only thing you have left
is a whole in your life
where that somebody
that you care about
so much used to be
``Have you taken it all down in your notes what
I have just told you?´´ I asked my psychiatrist.
``Yes! Everything!´´ she said.
That day, as soon as I have arrived in the
crime scene, they come up to me and bound me in chains. Because inside that
car, my fingerprints are everywhere. I am the primary suspect. I only love him
more than myself. I cannot defend myself. They cannot know the truth.
My past
is hidden in the darkness. My present cloaked in secrets. The future holds the
only truth that cannot be escaped.