Confession

It seemed odd. I woke up in a wrong side of bed today. The pillow beside me smelled of men’s cologne, the wallpaper was as boring as hell, and the bed was pretty damn comfy.

``Good morning, babe.’’

I looked through a window where a fucking hottie was standing –my boyfriend Neiro Cristobal.

``Why the hell I am here?’’

I groaned as I sat up and began to fall asleep again.

`` Your mom called telling me to pick you up from a party last night because you are drunk as fuck!’’

``I guess, right now, one of us is thinking about sex. Wait… Two of us!’’

``Shut it! You have a dirty mind love. ‘’

``Yes. I have a dirty mind. And you are on it.’’

Much to my surprise I felt his soft lips pressing back and soon our shy peck had turned into something more. One hand had been placed flat against his muscled chest while the other cupped the back of his head to hold his lips to mine.

His hands had come to rest on my hips and mine moved from their positions to slip under his loose-fitting tee to slid over his sculpted abs and flawless chest. But touching wasn't enough to satisfy me. My busy hands peeled his shirt from his body and tossed it in a small heap on the floor and placed my hands firmly against his chest forcing him backwards onto the bed behind us. 

As he lay on his back staring up at me, I removed my shirt to reveal my upper body which was slightly less muscled but just as smooth and free of hair. Before my fingers went to work on his belt, the clasp was easily undone and the strap quickly pulled through so that I had access to the button and zipper of the dark denim jeans.

My fingers went to work on removing his denim prison as my lips pressed gentle teasing kisses against his abs. My tongue casually flicking across his smooth skin. My breathing picked up in pace and I knew that I was close to ecstasy. I told him so in a heated voice, my sentence broken by moans.

"I...ah, I'm going to... mmm, I need to go." 

I never felt anything like that in my whole life. But being there for a moment, brought me a lot of confusion. We stopped. I have had the best kiss in my life. And it needs to stop right there. Rules. Boundaries. Limitations. Society.

I rise up from the bed and freed myself from the cuffs of his arms. Deep down, I know I failed him. He rise up and hug me from the back uttered the words

``I just wanna hold you tight in my arms and whisper in your ears words as old as time. Words only you will hear because you are mine. I love you. ´´

From then I know what he felt for me is real. I am done tempting his mind while making his body wait. I am guilty. I should have done better. I should have let him sneak right through me. Then I felt that incredible feeling when I realized just how deeply inlove I was to him. I do not know what is it in him to make me want him so badly.

I turned around. I gave him a smile. I could not help but to tell him these words

``I promise to be on your side. Or under you. Or on top. I don’t care how complicated this gets. I’d still want you. If you’re my salvation -I want to earn it. If love is all I have to give -then let me give it. ´´

He then kissed my forehead. A tear fall down from my eye. I love him. How can I unlove him. It is so hard to stop your heart from loving. As hard as it is to stop the eye from blinking. The more you control it, the more it hurts.

He wiped my tears and give me a warm hug. Not asking how troubled I am inside.

``By the way babe, today is Sunday. Do you want us to go to the church today?´´

``Okay. We have enough to be thankful for this week I guess.´´

We both went to the shower and calm ourselves. After fixing ourselves, we went to the church.

We ride on his black BMW on our way to the church. We go in discreet. What is between us must stay between us in order not to provoke the society.

The mass has been offered. We stopped on a cozy fast food and have some bagels. It was afternoon when we finished bonding after church in the establishment. He then gave me a ride to sent me off my place. On our way to San Roque, we had a lot of talking and laughter together. We are so fucking attached during that time.

Our talking came to pause for a moment when he turned on the radio.

♪ When the night has come

 And the land is dark

And the moon is the only light we'll see

No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid

Just as long as you stand, stand by me

And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by me

Stand by me, stand by me

If the sky that we look upon

Should tumble and fall

And the mountains should crumble to the sea

I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear

Just as long as you stand, stand by me

                      ``Hey! Is this your favorite song?´´ I asked.

                      ``Not until today love. ´´ He replied.

                      ``You see, I really want to be with you till the end of my days. I wanna grow old with you, spend my sunrise and sunset only with you, I would die for you.´´

                      He flattered me with those words.

                      ``I am willing to spend the rest of my life with you too, love. I could not ask for more having you beside me. I cannot wait for the day when we could finally get married.´´

                      A curved smile draws from his happy face.

                      ``Oh, common! We both know that’s not gonna happen, right? We both know Philippines is a catholic country. We cannot do it here, babe.´´

                      With perseverance, he fought for it. He argued we could marry here in the Philippines. I, for a moment, felt happiness beyond measure knowing he’d fight for our marriage -our future marriage. He then handed me an envelope. It has my name written on it, ``Juno´´. It is sealed with wax so I have to tear that off. I began reading what is inside. It is a poem in tagalog. Part of me is in ecstasy as I read between the lines of what he had wrote.

Sa lilim ng buwan

Tayo'y maghabulan

Iyong bawat haplos

Dala'y init ng pag-ibig

Humahalina na yayain ka

Sa sayaw ng erotikong musika

Pawiin mo ang lumbay

Sa aliw ng bawat kumpas

At pilantik ng iyong mga daliri

hayaan mong sakupin

Ang templo ng iyong kaluluwa

Nitong digmaang sinimulan

Ng liwanag ng buwan

Piliting ihinto

Ang nakakabaliw na bulong

Na ang sumamo ay bilisan pa

Ang taas-baba

Ng bawat indak sa sayawang apoy

Damhin ang init

Ng bawat patak ng luha

Na animo'y singdami ng mga tala

Pumapawi sa bawat nais na

rurok ng kalangitan ay maabtan

H'wag kagalitan ang pagod

At sa mga bisig hayaang dumampa

Balewala ang kirot ng paso sa apoy na nag-aalab na pag-ibig

Masayang hihimlay kumot ang

mga bituin

na ang bawat hiling ay wag lisanin ng gabing madilim.

                      I gasped when I felt how wet his words have made me. I urged him to pull over the car under the Mahogany tree and so he did. I leaned over to him and kissed his lips hard, thrusting my tongue into his mouth. He gently sucked on it and let me swirl it around. I accepted his tongue and sucked it as far as I could into my mouth, savoring the taste of him and wanting more.

I started to undo the buttons on his shirt as we kissed and soon I was sucking on his nipples, making him groan in pleasure. I moved down to his body and undid his pants, making him lift his hips off the seat so I could pull them right off of him.

He moved so he was in a position that I could fuck his mouth. He swirled his tongue around it as I gently, at first, thrust in and out of him. I was groaning loudly as he did it. I reached around him and held his head, helping him thrust.

The day came to pass. I arrived at my place a little after at around 2:27 in the afternoon that day. He escort me through the door and wrapped his arms around me, kissing me hard. We kissed for a few minutes and then he broke our embrace. He waved goodbye and went his way back home.

The next day, I woke up as early as 6:00 o’clock in the morning. I smell the scent of a distant flower in the garden overlooking my room from the outside. They were as yellow as the sun. I am living alone in my Chalet bungalow house soon as I decided to part from home for work. From morning to evening, my life becomes a numbered routine. As soon as I wake up, I need to prepare myself a coffee.  

As I am preparing my Kopi Luwak, I received a phone call from my mother at home.

``Hi, love! We miss you so much! When will you be home for a dinner? Your Pa caught a wild deer early this morning in our rice field using his bow and arrow. ``

``Really, mom? For goodness sake, you’ll be commissioned by the law with that! Don´t you know hunting wild animals now is prohibited?``

``Oh, common son! You´re not gonna send us to jail because of that aren’t you?’’

``Of course, not ma! But seriously, you guys need to stop doing hunting with dad’s crooked bow and arrow. It’s dangerous! You might have shoot yourself out there, you guys!’’

``Duh! We’re good at it son! Have you forgotten how me and your father met? Isn’t it by that same target we chased at the San Roque forest that we end up aiming arrows at each other? It is still a good meat though, by the way.’’

‘’Alright, alright! Enough bragging ma! By for now. I need to set up myself for my duty today. I love you all. Kisses!’’

They really missed me a lot. I could only hope I could visit them by the end of the month. My parents were really supportive as to my career. I have decided to become police, and my parents are always there as my scaffold all throughout.

I have never been into thinking of marrying at my young age. I don’t  really put boundaries of letting myself indulge in a relationship. In fact, I have Neiro to visit me at my place every weekend, or the other way around. He is an artist. During my 20^th birthday he gave me a portrait of my own.

 I eat on a silver plate for breakfast. Nobody really cares. I took a sip of my coffee more expensive than my salary. It is a gift from Neiro in his exhibit in Vietnam. It was exactly at 7:00am and I go haste to work. I snatched the key of my motorcycle from the emptied fishbowl and went to work. 

``Good day, Juno! How was your sleep?´´

``Fine, Sarge! I have never been sleeping as good as last night! Weekend was a metaphor of party!´´.

 ``Well, you should be. Because this new assignment that I am going to give you needs a lot of energy.´´

My day started so well but not for long.

``I want you to investigate the Death case of Neiro Cristobal.´´

``Neiro? Neiro Cristobal? Did I hear it right, sir?´´

``Yes! Why? Do you know him?´´

``Just an acquaintance, sir.´´

`` Well, get your things officer and go now to the crime scene -Purok-2 San Vicente. Along the highway to San Roque, you will pass a big mahogany tree. Underneath the tree, lies the cold dead body of the victim sitting inside his car. General Administration for Criminal Security at San Roque Police said an hour ago that the cause of death is due to a gunshot on the head. Probably the victim was shot inside his car. No force entry is detected. The victim is said to be dead since yesterday at around 4o´clock in the afternoon. I want you to focus on the finger prints inside his car. I want to know who is been with him since yesterday. I trust you to uncover this case because you are one of the best we got.´´

``Yes…… s…ss.. sir.!´´ with the stuttering word, I cannot understand what I feel. My chest was in pain as if my heart was carved out. I could not tell my Sergeant about us. He mustn’t know.

I did my best to stay in composure. As I drove my motorcycle on the way to the crime scene, I could not help but cry and shout in pain. It’s the things that least expected hits you the hardest. I have reached the speed limit of 200km. per hr. hoping to arrive as soon as possible.

because in the end,

when you lose

somebody,

every candle,

every prayer,

is not gonna make

up for the fact that

the only thing you have left

is a whole in your life

where that somebody

that you care about

so much used to be

                      ``Have you taken it all down in your notes what I have just told you?´´ I asked my psychiatrist.

                      ``Yes! Everything!´´ she said.

                      That day, as soon as I have arrived in the crime scene, they come up to me and bound me in chains. Because inside that car, my fingerprints are everywhere. I am the primary suspect. I only love him more than myself. I cannot defend myself. They cannot know the truth.

My past is hidden in the darkness. My present cloaked in secrets. The future holds the only truth that cannot be escaped.